From an article I just found…

by Liz B

I googled “ego, sense of control” because many times I feel like I have a wall up that is generated by my ego as a result of either fear, sensitivity, or vulnerability of some sort. I did it just for fun and because I’m a dork, but upon googling that I found an interesting article/site. Can’t wait to read more of it later, I like how the guy writes. I’m always fascinated with subjects on the ego and our perception of control.

“Ego is not entirely false. To say that “ego dies” really means, more precisely, that the cognitive structure labelled ‘ego’, and the egoic mental model of the world, are systematically re-conceived, just like the components of Newtonian physics were systematically re-conceived to form the new system of Einsteinian physics. Ego death means that the mind no longer centrally identifies with the ego. The locus of control or origin of control is no longer seriously taken to be the ego. The transcendent mind knows that there is a source of control underlying the ego, and that ego’s power of control is an epiphenomenon.

Imagine yourself as a Godlike entity — an ultimate controller. Like Kurt Vonnegut, you create a character in a novel, a figure in a cartoon, or an agent in a virtual world shown on a computer screen. You have the power to make this entity shake his fist at you and rebel. You can make him act as though he creates himself and steers his own actions, unrestrained by you. But ultimately, you are the real, higher or underlying source of his every decision. On strong doses of LSD, you feel yourself to be like such a character, awakened to his complete dependence on a higher, prior, hidden author: his God, his real controller. This awakening into the illusory aspect of ego’s power-to-control is a powerful feeling of cancellation of the heart of ego. This is the experience of ego death, the essence of religious rapture — the sense of the heart of your control being raped and trumped by an underlying, hidden source of control that must exist prior to, or giving rise to, your every act.”

http://www.egodeath.com/egodeath.htm

sleepy

by Liz B

Came on here to sort out my thoughts since I felt I needed that and hadn’t in a while, officially…but am falling asleep at my chair. This past couple of months has been relatively difficult, with constant fatigue and weird ailments coming my way (persistent bloating and stomach distention for a while as a result of a stomach bug, ridiculous amounts of fatigue, got sick twice in a row from people in the house), along with difficult things that have happened. It’s like crazy thing after thing has just been happening, as though this time period is just meant to test me.

Physical/mental health hasn’t been quite as good as it could be lately but they are finally getting better, and other areas in my life have been improving. Have been working hard on setting up side businesses and am part of a group of (mostly) women entrepreneurs who are doing well and really supported and encouraged me to just finally start after years of contemplation. So now I have a clear path towards my goals and have been working continuously on it.

I have been feeling stuck in a lot of ways in my life for quite some time, from credit card debt that I’m tirelessly trying to pay off and other things I won’t go into detail on the internet, but mostly all of it is related to finances in one way or another.

That’s all for now before I fall asleep… more later

My Most Potent Love

by Liz B

Digging up old writing lately 😉 Written sometime around 2008?

 

My Most Potent Love

If you were to ask why I love him, I’d say it’s because I feel him.

No, I felt him when I first met him, eight years ago, before it all started. A light sparked in my brain; I knew this person’s being. A strong feeling like we had met before, as though in some past life. I can predict his every move, his thoughts, his visions; yet I hardly know him. What is this?

Then as I got older, it only spread. Without exaggeration, I soon felt him as intangible beauty. I felt him as air blowing through the trees in the echo of silence. I felt the essence of his consciousness everywhere, as though the core of his being were being whispered to me in manifestations that only helped my own self grow. He was wise for his age, and his wisdom called to me. The same way I knew his life force when I first met him; I understood it more each day and each day it became more a part of me. Every statement he’d make was as though it was coming from my own self; I soon felt him as my very own blood running through my veins.

This is my most potent love. It has manifested as a result of great understanding. It is a reflection of ourselves, our perception, our own values. On many levels, he captured me. He embodied and infiltrated my everyday experience of life, but on the deepest levels. He taught me about intuition. Wisdom. Tolerance. He spoke to a part of me that I knew and was packed away somewhere in the recesses of my brain, but had barely explored. He was in a way, a miracle. A rare being. A shining light in the midst of darkness.

Yet, with all this profound feeling of a deep, spiritual love, it can still only be called a mere harmonious prelude of subjectivity. I am lost in the reality that his being has haunted me with; I am stuck in the intermingling of spirituality, of values, of identity, that we have woven together. And no matter how significant it feels, it is still just a part of my solo rollercoaster ride of life.

Together, he and I belong to this silence, yet I still hear the music of his being so loudly in its most still moments. He calls to me; and I wonder if he in reality is thinking of me, or if it’s just my own heart’s longing for our reality to come to life. In every moment of his continual absence, our wordless relationship, for me, is very much alive. And when I open my eyes, eight years later, it is still only him I see.

I don’t know if I can ever shake this one.

Old Writing

by Liz B

After five years we have come together by the magic of the world. Without words, he knows me.
As I grew in spirit, I came to love him, but on another dimension of love. It was a love that lived in the realm of the spirit, a realm that not many people reach.
It is a love based on self-control, on awareness, on a specific elevation of the soul that is only possible by the right combinations of humility, clarity, courage, acceptance, and openness.

Old writing I found

by Liz B

found this from 2007 that i emailed myself.. something I wrote about someone significant in my life:

I wanted to write something about a certain someone in my life who has been one of my life’s secret treasures. A pleasure yet also a fair amount of pain I have suffered due to his beauty and wisdom.

 
And now and then my friends and family would hear remnants of his being in my life but, only remnants­ so I wanted to write something that revealed the space of him. The space of him revealed itself to me only in silence ­yet now I hear and see it through all things. The space of him is like the space of the universe. In the lines of his palms lie the drying out rivers, in his eyes contain the waves of the ocean, and the mysterious howling of the wind echoes the beating of his heart.

Through him it has been revealed that even through the most soulful expression of words, or the most colorful picture painted of life by the artist, or even the most eventful and diverse life of a human being; there is yet still something greater out there, that lives a deeper vibration.

But it is silent, it is colorless, and it is subtle, and it takes courage to find it, and close attention to listen to it, and it requires going past all form or concept and tracing back to its source; it requires a devoted and intuitive involvement with the deepest messages of your heart and soul. 

To live this source is to live with the full substance of your being.

 

As a child, I wrote a poem about dreaming with flying with the birds, with the most genuine of beauty leaking out of our souls. Someone read this poem of mine and commented, “this genuine beauty you speak of is truth.”

Well it is this person I choose to fly with, only right now his wings are spread and full grown, while I am just learning to fly.

His wings soar through the winds of change as he echoes the sound of the universe clearly and effortlessly, while I am wobbling along with my wings shaky and trembling, now cognizant of the greatness of his love and the massiveness echoed through his being, yet still too fearful to let go of my tension and allow my wings to be free and fly.

 
But in my heart, I know one day together we will be echoing love, and flying free in the spacious sky of the universe and I will have no more fear. As each day I feel my love growing and energy flowing and someday my barriers will just fall away.

For now he is only in my dreams, for until my barriers are released and I am able to fly, my mind can only go so far. But from a distant shore I feel his love calling to me and I begin to feel the significance of what lies ahead.

For through him I’ve felt the significance of silence and the mark of clarity.

I’ve felt the love that is so great that it shakes the ground you walk on until you yourself see and feel the freedom that your mind is capable of.

In my dreams I feel his warm, yet subtle compassion that covers me completely like a blanket in the midst of the cold; I feel his pure skin touching mine, free of judgment, quietly and discreetly whispering to me: “be patient — your time will come, but for now I will warm your heart with the subtle essence of my love and allow you to spread your wings in peace so that you may grow as I have been able to.”

tao te ching chapter 20

by Liz B

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don’t care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharper;
I alone am dull.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don’t know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

Dreams of the Afterlife

by Liz B

I just had a really long elaborate dream that a friend told me there was a way to communicate with the dead by looking in the mirror or basically going to a specific place in the house or outside – I think it’s mainly a mirror – and calling the person’s name. Soon you will see an image of where they are (whether it’s an image that manifests in your head or in reality, I am unsure) and you can watch them. You have to keep calling them until they can finally hear you. It said in my dream that people of the horse sign (which I’m assuming in my dream is referring to the Chinese zodiac) are the ones that are more likely to be able to hear it. Sometimes it’s really faint for them and so they won’t hear you and you will end up showing up in a very subtle way in their world and they have to be able to detect it.

In the dream my friend revealed the scene to me where in one case we were trying to reach someone and we were calling into the mirror, and in a mirror near them they were able to see me, but nowhere else.

I was in some house that I was living in with my friend and there was also another young girl there who had kind of a pushy personality, but we were kindof friends and she would pray and talk to some of her relatives every night too.

My mom had passed in the dream so I tried to reach her. I was actually able to easily reach her and have her notice that I was there – I don’t think she saw me in a mirror but actually just heard me calling. She was just sitting on the floor of some room and she was eating something like noodles. She looked and dressed exactly as I know her now. I was really excited and overjoyed to see her but she wasn’t really shocked that I was able to reach her.

She said that life after death is the exact same to her in a lot of ways that life on earth was except that there’s no pressure or competition to make any money or do anything any certain way, it is just living life and doing whatever you want. That it’s very relaxing.

I crossed over to her side and life over there did seem exactly like life here only there’s no money, and if you want to travel somewhere seems like you can travel anywhere you want. I am sure there were other differences that I didn’t notice so much in the dream but I was very focused on my mom, and my mom’s energy was very strong – it was the dominant factor in the dream. It was exactly like her normal energy only a less involved, more devoid of emotion, and a possibly less passionate energy.

It seemed more difficult to be able to read any of her emotions in the dream – she seemed more apathetic (though not in a really negative way).

I began walking around with her and she talked about her classes that she was actually taking, and I couldn’t tell if she had any friends or family that she talks to.

My friend relayed to me while I was walking around with her that some areas are better than others in order to reach them and maintain connection and that sometimes – like the internet – it loses connection in certain areas or can.

I told my mom this and she goes “he’s going to ruin it” and I said no he’s not – I know how to reach you and you are actually really easy to reach. I told her that Cory was in med school now and that she was having a hard time and that she would love to see you, so I told her I would bring her sometime.

She beckoned me to follow her again and was taking me deep in the city. I have no idea where she was trying to take me or if it was just to explore. I remember sometimes she walked differently in the dream – she walked crazy fast sometimes out of nowhere and I couldn’t keep up with her, and sometimes it was in a very straight, almost rigid fashion. When I couldn’t keep up I would just reach out my hand and she would grab it and pull me up close to her. Sometimes while walking it also looked like she almost or was about to trip (but didn’t).

That was basically the end of the dream when I was following her around because I suddenly woke up.

Chest pains, “hyper inflammation,” and blah blah

by Liz B

Starting on Saturday the 17th, I started noticing some very light intermittent chest pains that felt like they were to the right of my sternum. They would come and go, seemingly not triggered by any particular thing. For a week or so prior, I had also been getting nausea for about only 5-10 minutes a day and had general stomach upset. Also had a couple of weird other symptoms that I won’t go into detail about here (and that I think were unrelated). The chest pains however raised a red flag to me real fast, and especially due to my vigorous exercise schedules, I decided to get this checked out and went to the doctor. This is the same DO doc that I had gone to previously to get checked on for heart palpitations. As of today, I have had three EKGs (electrocardiograms), all of which have come out normal.

Today however I got a hefty blood test with the complete metabolic panel, Vitamin D, magnesium, B12, a urinalysis, and some other things. I also got a chest x-ray. I’m anxiously awaiting my lab results, but my doc analyzed my chest x-ray right away. It was the end of the day when I got a call from his assistant who left a voicemail on my machine stating, “He said your chest xray looked fine but that there was some ‘nonspecific hyperinflammation,’ and that if I had any questions to give her a call back, but that otherwise all was fine.”

I was thinking, ok – what does that even mean – hyper-inflammation of WHAT exactly? What a nondescript voicemail. I tried to call back, but their offices were officially closed so I didn’t get anywhere with that. I ended up doing some research on my own and realized she probably meant “nonspecific hyperinflation” – meaning my lungs were overinflated (since there was really nothing on hyper-inflammation and it didn’t make much sense to me anyway) . Hyper-inflation can be a symptom of COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), but since I have no symptoms of that, I realized it was probably because I took a huge breath during the x-ray like the x-ray tech told me to do.

All in all, I really don’t think I have anything seriously wrong with me – but more that I want to find out what the heck is causing chest pain so that I know if I need to be careful of anything or if there’s anything in general I need to do to take care of it. Unfortunately it can be very difficult (and expensive) to get at the source, but we’ll see what happens once the lab tests get back. I also have a visit with a cardiologist on Monday. I would love to have an echocardiogram, which is basically an ultrasound of your heart to evaluate it for any structural problems, but unfortunately those are really expensive so after all of this fun stuff I don’t know if I will be able to afford it just yet.

In the meantime, here’s my x-ray, in case you ever wanted to see a chest x-ray:

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