Thoughts

It’s been a while–

by Liz B

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated this site, along with some of my others. I can say that since December of last year my life has been incredibly…interesting, difficult, varied, unexpected. With caring for my dad before he passed away in March, overcoming my latest anxiety bouts, reluctantly going on a new antidepressant, trips to Oregon, my best friend meeting her birth family, and all these new things I’ve had to learn in the process of these events.

The year 2017 has been a really rough year for many, especially those around me. Many deaths and natural disasters, and you could say political disasters as well. But when I look back on this year thus far, I personally don’t have a sense of bitterness about it.

I feel like this year carried a great deal of change that needed to happen, in most cases. In fact I tend to view everything as business as usual, things unfolding as they will, always for a reason and not necessarily one that we understand until much later after it has passed.

I also feel like I learned a lot more about myself and how my brain works. Difficult situations tend to show me my imperfections a little clearer.

These things can be incredibly unpleasant but I feel that there is a rhyme and order to everything; it’s all a chain of cause and effect that I have to accept, that will only improve when people learn from their mistakes and ignorance.

 

 

 

Empathy and an Anxiety Disorder

by Liz B

Lately I have had a lot of weird physical symptoms (abdominal and pelvic bloating for a month that gets worse at night, major fatigue on and off, along with some other things). Once I got into my head that it could be something serious, I instantly freaked out thinking “what if it’s ovarian cancer?”. This thought wasn’t as pronounced as the thought/feeling I had that FELT like a “gut feeling” that something was wrong. But I couldn’t tell whether it was a gut feeling or anxiety. I hadn’t actually had anything like this before in regards to health, so it’s a slightly different manifestation of anxiety I’m used to dealing with.

Life Off Prozac

I can see now that my mind’s thoughts instantly becomes much more obsessive now that I am off of antidepressants (prozac is also prescribed for OCD, which is a form of anxiety, and it completely makes sense). This is the second time something has happened that led me from normal mode to WTF SURVIVAL MODE quickly. The last one was a few months ago when some unknown dolt left a note on my car implying that he had been spying on me and also left a fake number which implied he was trying to fuck with me, and I had no idea what he or they were planning to do.

Give me a situation where there is vast deep space of possibilities that could be happening and a possible threat of something serious, and my brain will run wild, imagine the worst, and go to great lengths to prepare against it, instantly.

At any rate, the thought of potentially having terminal disease led my mind into an array of thoughts that created a perception and feeling of how I might really feel if that were a reality. In the last week or so I have almost lived it as though it were true. And I unearthed a deep appreciation for everyone and everything close to me. There’s someone very close to me that is one of the most pure people I know, still, even in adulthood. What stands out about him is that he has a massive heart, and it’s to the point where he has a difficult time living among other less sensitive people in this world. He’s very balanced and able to do so, but what he is capable of feeling and experiencing is on a different level than most since he simply has less mental debris in the way holding him down from higher self-realization and general awareness.

The Big Picture

Anyway, I felt the massiveness of his love in my experience of living out the perception of a terminal illness. It’s like it is continuously showing me the big picture. You know every day when you have interactions with others and they vary in their dynamics, some more tense, some less tense, but overall you are just having your daily experiences with others like normal. But then when you look back at the big picture, at the overarching energy that a person has, it gives off a certain consistent quality depending on what kind of person they are; what they’re made of. Well, the overarching energy of this person was so much love and sweetness. The same thing I feel normally on a daily basis, only on a much more massive, big-picture scale. This is different than just simply being over-emotional, because believe me, I know the difference. But many people may not believe what I’m saying if they aren’t spiritually aware – only because they may not be aware of higher vibrations and awareness or higher sensitivity, and what that can feel like.

This unfortunately made me even more sad at the thought of having a life cut short to not be able to spend extra years with him, and all of this I felt similarly to everyone else close to me. I looked at my mom’s overarching energy (which I typically do anyway, because she is a rare, extremely giving and compassionate person) and felt so much empathy in regards to her, her life, getting older, and also a sad feeling of not being able to spend more time with her.

I don’t know what this is or why it’s happening – if it’s just a result of my thoughts putting me in the mental framework that I might have in facing such a reality, or if there is any specific reason for it that I am not aware of yet. But due to this influencing me to see the big picture in everything and recognize my deep appreciation for others in my life and life in general, it almost feels like a new realization.

Extraordinary Empathy

I have always been an empathetic person, but it is reaching to new heights now. This in itself I blame in part due to coming off of antidepressants that I was on for about ten years. The other day there was a fruit fly in our sink, and I put some water on it to drown it down the sink. But I instantly thought about how that fruit fly might be feeling (even if it was a very robotic fight-or-flight response compared to what we might feel), or maybe more accurately I empathized with the idea of how it was dying and felt really bad.

Wired for Anxiety: Fear of Loss, and Loss of Control

I am also accompanied with some obvious fear of loss feelings, because this may have been what all of this stemmed from. Which I may have to work a bit on confronting. I have recognized in me that some of the most higher-vibrational feelings and experiences I’ve had have incited fear in me. Anxiety programming is something I have had since I was a child, definitely not something I have developed in response to a modern-day lifestyle (though that could possibly make it worse, but in my case I really feel this isn’t so). My brain is wired for anxiety, and while I don’t have it too badly on a day-to-day basis, specific things can kick it in instantly. I believe it is linked with my epilepsy and has come as a fun package of neurological disorder.

Not to say that you can’t work on managing anxiety that your brain is “wired” for, as that’s what I’ve been doing my whole life, and have done pretty well at it (no alcohol or harmful drugs involved). But it is difficult to explain to people who don’t have a disorder, because they don’t realize the extent to which it is difficult to control. That’s why it’s a disorder, and not just regular anxiety. You instantly perceive things a certain way when anxiety is in control, and the idea is not to try to stop anxiety altogether, but rather be aware of what anxious thoughts/perceptions look like when they come and how they manifest (which is in very different ways at times and can easily trick your brain). But once you can realize it, you can use your toolbox (those new to anxiety probably don’t have one yet) to manage it properly so it doesn’t develop into something more.

Anyway, in general I realize the great feelings of love and appreciation that I feel equally make me fear losing those things, or fear something about them in general. Maybe they threaten my ego (well, they do — that’s what fear is anyway). This concept in itself I think however is somewhat normal, but I would prefer to of course be able to not have feelings of fear accompany the greater, expansive experiences in my life.

From an article I just found…

by Liz B

I googled “ego, sense of control” because many times I feel like I have a wall up that is generated by my ego as a result of either fear, sensitivity, or vulnerability of some sort. I did it just for fun and because I’m a dork, but upon googling that I found an interesting article/site. Can’t wait to read more of it later, I like how the guy writes. I’m always fascinated with subjects on the ego and our perception of control.

“Ego is not entirely false. To say that “ego dies” really means, more precisely, that the cognitive structure labelled ‘ego’, and the egoic mental model of the world, are systematically re-conceived, just like the components of Newtonian physics were systematically re-conceived to form the new system of Einsteinian physics. Ego death means that the mind no longer centrally identifies with the ego. The locus of control or origin of control is no longer seriously taken to be the ego. The transcendent mind knows that there is a source of control underlying the ego, and that ego’s power of control is an epiphenomenon.

Imagine yourself as a Godlike entity — an ultimate controller. Like Kurt Vonnegut, you create a character in a novel, a figure in a cartoon, or an agent in a virtual world shown on a computer screen. You have the power to make this entity shake his fist at you and rebel. You can make him act as though he creates himself and steers his own actions, unrestrained by you. But ultimately, you are the real, higher or underlying source of his every decision. On strong doses of LSD, you feel yourself to be like such a character, awakened to his complete dependence on a higher, prior, hidden author: his God, his real controller. This awakening into the illusory aspect of ego’s power-to-control is a powerful feeling of cancellation of the heart of ego. This is the experience of ego death, the essence of religious rapture — the sense of the heart of your control being raped and trumped by an underlying, hidden source of control that must exist prior to, or giving rise to, your every act.”

http://www.egodeath.com/egodeath.htm

sleepy

by Liz B

Came on here to sort out my thoughts since I felt I needed that and hadn’t in a while, officially…but am falling asleep at my chair. This past couple of months has been relatively difficult, with constant fatigue and weird ailments coming my way (persistent bloating and stomach distention for a while as a result of a stomach bug, ridiculous amounts of fatigue, got sick twice in a row from people in the house), along with difficult things that have happened. It’s like crazy thing after thing has just been happening, as though this time period is just meant to test me.

Physical/mental health hasn’t been quite as good as it could be lately but they are finally getting better, and other areas in my life have been improving. Have been working hard on setting up side businesses and am part of a group of (mostly) women entrepreneurs who are doing well and really supported and encouraged me to just finally start after years of contemplation. So now I have a clear path towards my goals and have been working continuously on it.

I have been feeling stuck in a lot of ways in my life for quite some time, from credit card debt that I’m tirelessly trying to pay off and other things I won’t go into detail on the internet, but mostly all of it is related to finances in one way or another.

That’s all for now before I fall asleep… more later

Teeth and Their Demise

by Liz B

Teeth issues are fun. In the same way that I’ve been through so much debilitating anxiety that I feel like I could be a counselor in that realm, I’ve had so many teeth issues that sometimes I feel like the road to becoming a dentist would feel very familiar and the transition into dentistry wouldn’t be so difficult.

Actually, I was going to write a post about how I feel like by the time people are age 30 many of us are weighed down, sometimes permanently, and our minds and identities are defined by the experiences we’ve had – and I feel like we need a refresher. A bone-deep refresher; to be reborn. Our minds hold the key to this potential.

But, there’s really only so much thinking I can do when I’ve been dealing with an exposed tooth nerve.

I had braces in 4th grade and had them on for around 4.5 years. This I believe not only weakened my teeth but it made it very easy to get cavities on top of my not-so-great childhood brushing habits. I also am naturally prone to cavities. Whether it be prone to more bacteria forming in my mouth or the lack of enzyme required to break down food quite as well, I don’t know, but there is such a thing. Some peoples’ teeth can withstand a certain amount of not brushing enough. Mine couldn’t. When I got my braces off, I had 14 cavities that needed to be filled.

Fast forward through many years, about 13 years, of not visiting a dentist, an overly sugary diet (as most typical Western diets are) due to not knowing better, somewhat better brushing habits (but still pretty lacking in my current opinion) and the progression of age. Once I finally visited the dentist after all this time, I started to get the picture that hey, this shit matters, it cost many monies and many more monies over time. I started brushing more and flossing more, but the teeth just wanted to crumble.

Fast forward to now – I’m 30 years old, haven’t had an actual cavity in a while, excellent oral hygiene, but am still very likely encroaching upon my 4th root canal (if this exposed tooth nerve does not fix itself) and I also have a missing molar. Occasionally I have to do things like replace old fillings that aren’t holding up well, etc. I have thousands of dollars invested in my teeth and have even driven down to Mexico 3 times to have them do a root canal when I was sick and tired of paying 2k for the entire procedure here. I still only paid A QUARTER in Mexico of what I would have paid here, and that includes gas money. I still don’t know how they did, because truly, only time will tell.

Mexico (Los Algodones) is really great for teeth care though, if you do your research and find a reputable dentist. It is just extremely cost-effective. However it was quite a different experience than what I’ve experienced here. Multiple dentists worked on my tooth during different parts of the procedure and they don’t talk to you much. Even though they knew I spoke Spanish, they didn’t quite have the bedside manner that I’ve experienced in the U.S. They were there to get the job done and that’s it. This root canal was the only one I had ever had done on a bottom molar, and the procedure itself hurt like hell, which was a first too.  They kept sticking those measuring needles into my gums and would occasionally hit a nerve (I am guessing) and the pain would sear through my jaw. I kept raising my hand telling them I was in pain and they would numb me up a bit more but it just wasn’t reaching that area. I also wondered what they used for a numbing agent and thought maybe it wasn’t as strong, but really I just think where they were hitting was deeper than the area that was being numbed up.

So that was fun.

But pre-root canal tooth pain is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Ever. But a couple times I had no idea anything had gotten to that point of needing one. Many people who don’t have teeth problems will say “just visit your dentist regularly and don’t let your teeth get to that point.” Well, sometimes it’s not that easy. I am at the dentist’s office what feels like all the time. Unless they are frequently doing rescans of your entire mouth, sometimes it’s impossible to catch something before it needs a root canal. In my case, they are usually doing cleanings or working on other areas that needed help that were detected on the original xray. Sometimes nothing hurts at all so there is no pain indicator. Sometimes you just have an exposed nerve because some dentist did a shitty filling that took up a lot of the tooth and shit just fell apart. That’s why understanding how cosmetic dentistry can transform your smile isn’t just about aesthetics, it can also play a role in preventing bigger dental issues before they become painful emergencies.

Anyway, I know a lot about teeth issues, and I’ve been to many different dentists. I have certainly found that it is always wise to get a second opinion in dentistry. I’ve had the occurrence multiple times now of some dentists saying I needed something done and others saying I didn’t. I do not think it is uncommon that they prescribe work that doesn’t really need to be done.

I also avoid root canals at all costs unless I’m in unmanageable pain, which is why I am sitting here tonight taking colloidal silver (after much research on the product), oil of oregano, grapefruit seed extract, eating lots of garlic and onions, using hydrogen peroxide mouthwash, the occasional ibuprofen and praying that it will get better on its own without the need of a root canal.

But that is all for tonight on teeth. I’m beyond exhausted and am going to try to sleep through the night — the dark, quiet night, which is just when my exposed nerve likes to get extremely angry at me. Wish me luck.

 

Negativity

by admin

Something I’ve noticed even moreso lately – you can say there are many ignorant people in the world, and our world still consists of a myriad of social problems – gender roles, racism, etc. Due to this, many people have become very negative just by living in the world today. They get absorbed in history as well as peoples’ ignorance in the present, and their emotions get involved. They don’t realize how negative and absorbed their thoughts have become.

Where I see the problem is they don’t realize how the time they spend thinking about these things affects them — their own minds, perceptions, emotions — as well as the issue itself. The more energy you put into something the more it will grow. You may think that you have a handle on the issue or are above the issue if you’re placing your opinion on it and putting energy into it. But you are actually contributing to the divide between people by reasserting that it exists or has existed. But we want to move past these issues for the future, right?

Just because things are or have been a certain way doesn’t mean they should be or they will be forever. But in order to shift the focus in a different direction, less time needs to be spent even thinking about these things. It’s time to move on and put energy into a more positive direction, even if others are keeping to their ignorance. Remember the issues of the past and present as you wish but don’t dwell on them. Work instead at creating the world in your mind that you want to see manifest in reality. Dreams can come true, and your own thoughts are a very legitimate tool that will shape yours and others’ realities. The issues of the world will hold you down to their level forever if you let them —

“Humans are divided into different clans and tribes, and belong to countries and towns. But I find myself a stranger to all communities and belong to no settlement. The universe is my country and the human family is my tribe. People are weak, and it is sad that they divide amongst themselves. The world is narrow and it is unwise to cleave it into kingdoms, empires, and provinces.” – Khalil Gibran

the meaning of enlightenment

by admin

“A young man had spent five arduous years searching for truth. One day, as he walked up into the foothills of a great mountain range, he saw an old man approach from above, walking down the path, carrying a heavy sack on his back. He sensed that this old man had been to the mountaintop; he had finally found one of the wise — one who could answer his heart’s deepest questions.

“Please, Sir,” he asked. “Tell me the meaning of enlightenment.”

The old man smiled, and stopped. Then, fixing his gaze on the youth, he slowly swung the heavy burden off his back, laid the sack down, and stood up straight.

“Ah,  I understand,” the young man replied. “But Sir, what comes after enlightenment?”

The old man took a deep breath, then swung the heavy sack over his shoulders and continued on his way.”

I love this. I can relate.

Zuigan Calls His Own Master

by Liz B

Zuigan called out to himself every day: ‘Master.’
Then he answered himself: ‘Yes, sir.’
And after that he added: ‘Become sober.’
Again he answered: ‘Yes, sir.’
‘And after that,’ he continued, ‘do not be deceived by others.’
‘Yes, sir; yes, sir,’ he answered.

Mumon’s Comment: Old Zuigan sells out and buys himself. He is opening a puppet show. He uses one mask to call ‘Master’ and another that answers the master. Another mask says ‘Sober up’ and another, ‘Don’t be cheated by others.’
If anyone clings to any of his masks, he is mistaken, yet if he imitates Zuigan, he will make himself fox-like*.

 Some Zen students do not realize the true man in a mask

Because they recognize ego-soul.
Ego-soul is the seed of birth and death,
And foolish people call it the true man.

My notes on this story:
This is from a book of Zen stories + koans called “The Gateless Gate”. They are written in a way that can sometimes be hard to understand because they are all aimed at helping to cut through the obstructions in your mind. They must be read and interpreted in a different way than if you are just reading in your typical way to accumulate knowledge.

The lesson in this one is that most people define themselves and act based upon the identity their ego has shaped and defined for themselves. Most people also are fooled into thinking that that is their true nature or who they actually are, when in fact it can just be seen as a buildup of concepts that obstructs their true nature.

Most people in life that you encounter have this buildup to differing degrees. Almost everyone I meet including myself has multiple struggles and challenges with their own ego and identity. Those who have sought out what is behind that and attempted to clear away this “buildup” are exceptionally (yet also relatively) self-aware.

*Foxes are mentioned often in Zen stories as it is a big part of Japanese culture. The way you can interpret its relevance to this story is that foxes often employ the ability to trick others; therefore if you imitate others you are merely just being deceptive.

madness

by admin

today i want to vent but I’m not sure what I want to vent about honestly. I think I am just tired as my sleep has sucked majorly this week. All day I have been extremely irritable. Sometimes I have a difficult time dealing with people (when people talk too much – this is a big one, when they don’t drive like I want them to drive because I have road rage, when people say they are going to do something then don’t, etc). My ego often delights in thinking about making “pet peeve” lists because I seem to have a lot of them. My weakness is irritability. It has gotten better over the years, but still.

My life has turned into madness lately (though not in a bad way) with taking on some big projects as well as the personal training certificate and i have about 500 things I want to accomplish outside of that as well.

in progress:

-community health ebook
-personal training studying, anatomy (certain amt of hrs per week)
-japanese studying (certain amt of hrs per week)
-finish book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” (halfway through)
-finish book “Power Foods” (haven’t started yet)
-finish book “Making Ideas Happen” (halfway through)
-more health research so that i can have more info on health site
-regular quick health tip videos
-isagenix prospects, holding contests, online marketing
-aiming for gym 5x/week (currently at about 3-4)
-cook something new once per week (I cook all the time but only the stuff I know how to cook. I want to cook new and better things).

This is the priority list as of now, aside from my side projects + full-time job. There’s quite a bit more but this is what needs to be focused on. Once I clear up a lot of this I will be in a much better position and can start my plant-based nutrition certificate which I am really excited about.

Reflections on Effort

by Liz B

The anxious student asked the Zen master how long to enlightenment. The Zen Master answered a long time, at least 10 years. The student said, “Well I will work twice as hard.” The Zen master said, “Then it will take 20 years.” “No!” said the committed student, “I will work three times as hard.” “Well then,” said the Zen master, “it will take 30 years.”

Do you need to work at being spiritual? No. You already are spiritual. Do you need to work at being human? No. That’s just who you are.

The spiritual path doesn’t require us to get anything. It’s a process of opening to new dimensions of who we already are. It’s a process of awakening to our own truth. It’s a process of allowing ourselves to be authentic.

“It is not by your actions that you will be saved, but by your being.”
— Meister Eckhart

“People ask what must they become to be loving. The answer is ‘nothing.’ It is a process of letting go of what you thought you had become and allowing your true nature to float to the surface naturally.”
— Stephen Levine