tao te ching chapter 20

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don’t care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharper;
I alone am dull.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don’t know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

Dreams of the Afterlife

I just had a really long elaborate dream that a friend told me there was a way to communicate with the dead by looking in the mirror or basically going to a specific place in the house or outside – I think it’s mainly a mirror – and calling the person’s name. Soon you will see an image of where they are (whether it’s an image that manifests in your head or in reality, I am unsure) and you can watch them. You have to keep calling them until they can finally hear you. It said in my dream that people of the horse sign (which I’m assuming in my dream is referring to the Chinese zodiac) are the ones that are more likely to be able to hear it. Sometimes it’s really faint for them and so they won’t hear you and you will end up showing up in a very subtle way in their world and they have to be able to detect it.

In the dream my friend revealed the scene to me where in one case we were trying to reach someone and we were calling into the mirror, and in a mirror near them they were able to see me, but nowhere else.

I was in some house that I was living in with my friend and there was also another young girl there who had kind of a pushy personality, but we were kindof friends and she would pray and talk to some of her relatives every night too.

My mom had passed in the dream so I tried to reach her. I was actually able to easily reach her and have her notice that I was there – I don’t think she saw me in a mirror but actually just heard me calling. She was just sitting on the floor of some room and she was eating something like noodles. She looked and dressed exactly as I know her now. I was really excited and overjoyed to see her but she wasn’t really shocked that I was able to reach her.

She said that life after death is the exact same to her in a lot of ways that life on earth was except that there’s no pressure or competition to make any money or do anything any certain way, it is just living life and doing whatever you want. That it’s very relaxing.

I crossed over to her side and life over there did seem exactly like life here only there’s no money, and if you want to travel somewhere seems like you can travel anywhere you want. I am sure there were other differences that I didn’t notice so much in the dream but I was very focused on my mom, and my mom’s energy was very strong – it was the dominant factor in the dream. It was exactly like her normal energy only a less involved, more devoid of emotion, and a possibly less passionate energy.

It seemed more difficult to be able to read any of her emotions in the dream – she seemed more apathetic (though not in a really negative way).

I began walking around with her and she talked about her classes that she was actually taking, and I couldn’t tell if she had any friends or family that she talks to.

My friend relayed to me while I was walking around with her that some areas are better than others in order to reach them and maintain connection and that sometimes – like the internet – it loses connection in certain areas or can.

I told my mom this and she goes “he’s going to ruin it” and I said no he’s not – I know how to reach you and you are actually really easy to reach. I told her that Cory was in med school now and that she was having a hard time and that she would love to see you, so I told her I would bring her sometime.

She beckoned me to follow her again and was taking me deep in the city. I have no idea where she was trying to take me or if it was just to explore. I remember sometimes she walked differently in the dream – she walked crazy fast sometimes out of nowhere and I couldn’t keep up with her, and sometimes it was in a very straight, almost rigid fashion. When I couldn’t keep up I would just reach out my hand and she would grab it and pull me up close to her. Sometimes while walking it also looked like she almost or was about to trip (but didn’t).

That was basically the end of the dream when I was following her around because I suddenly woke up.

Chest pains, “hyper inflammation,” and blah blah

Starting on Saturday the 17th, I started noticing some very light intermittent chest pains that felt like they were to the right of my sternum. They would come and go, seemingly not triggered by any particular thing. For a week or so prior, I had also been getting nausea for about only 5-10 minutes a day and had general stomach upset. Also had a couple of weird other symptoms that I won’t go into detail about here (and that I think were unrelated). The chest pains however raised a red flag to me real fast, and especially due to my vigorous exercise schedules, I decided to get this checked out and went to the doctor. This is the same DO doc that I had gone to previously to get checked on for heart palpitations. As of today, I have had three EKGs (electrocardiograms), all of which have come out normal.

Today however I got a hefty blood test with the complete metabolic panel, Vitamin D, magnesium, B12, a urinalysis, and some other things. I also got a chest x-ray. I’m anxiously awaiting my lab results, but my doc analyzed my chest x-ray right away. It was the end of the day when I got a call from his assistant who left a voicemail on my machine stating, “He said your chest xray looked fine but that there was some ‘nonspecific hyperinflammation,’ and that if I had any questions to give her a call back, but that otherwise all was fine.”

I was thinking, ok – what does that even mean – hyper-inflammation of WHAT exactly? What a nondescript voicemail. I tried to call back, but their offices were officially closed so I didn’t get anywhere with that. I ended up doing some research on my own and realized she probably meant “nonspecific hyperinflation” – meaning my lungs were overinflated (since there was really nothing on hyper-inflammation and it didn’t make much sense to me anyway) . Hyper-inflation can be a symptom of COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), but since I have no symptoms of that, I realized it was probably because I took a huge breath during the x-ray like the x-ray tech told me to do.

All in all, I really don’t think I have anything seriously wrong with me – but more that I want to find out what the heck is causing chest pain so that I know if I need to be careful of anything or if there’s anything in general I need to do to take care of it. Unfortunately it can be very difficult (and expensive) to get at the source, but we’ll see what happens once the lab tests get back. I also have a visit with a cardiologist on Monday. I would love to have an echocardiogram, which is basically an ultrasound of your heart to evaluate it for any structural problems, but unfortunately those are really expensive so after all of this fun stuff I don’t know if I will be able to afford it just yet.

In the meantime, here’s my x-ray, in case you ever wanted to see a chest x-ray:

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Jan 11 2015 Superstition Climb to Flat Iron Peak & Peak #5024

This was an grueling and incredible 8 hour hike we did. I have never felt so taxed after any physical activity and it actually took me a couple days to recover from the fatigue. But being in the solitary desert does wonders for the spirit! After our hike, we made beef stew on a propane stove on a bench at the bottom of the mountain. It was dark and we were the only ones around. I wish I could do this every weekend!

Christmas in Colorado

Had such a relaxing trip in Colorado. It was so awesome to see everyone again after having been so long, and I felt so rejuvenated when I got back. I realized that that was the first time I had really relaxed in a while and not tried to do one million things a minute. It helped me see that taking time to relax is just as productive as trying to focus on being productive! Leslie’s kids are adorable – it was great to see how well-rounded they are and I had so much fun hanging out with them!